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Women

Hello ladies and gentlemen, and gentlemen who wish they were ladies, and ladies who wish they were gentlemen, and everyone else who decided to open this intriguing paperback and or downloaded it to your tablet with a title you just couldn’t resist. My name is Eddy and, ironically enough, I am a man who loves being a man who loves women for all that they are and possess. First and foremost, I was birthed through my mother’s canal of life. I watched all three of my children exit my wife as they entered this incredibly special, complex, beautiful, filthy, wretched, lovely world. Unlike a lot of men who watch their children being born never wanting to have sex with their wives or significant others ever again because of the absolute gory, bloody, placenta-ridden disaster they just witnessed of child birth, I embraced it for the beauty of life gifted. Then, I relished the crowning of all of my children’s heads and cheered on as my delicate flower of a wife dug her perfectly manicured nails into my vulnerable flesh while she made her final push and lion’s roar unloading that precious little monster out of her maternal orifice. Then moving on to the anticipation of what would behold after an incredible journey from “yah baby this is good” to “what, you’re pregnant?” Oh, and the 40 plus weeks of not only the incubation of the evolving child inside, but the ever evolving relationship between me and my gorgeous, loving, awesome sauce wife. Love is a decision. Being with someone is a choice. Does your love life suck? Keep reading and UN SUCK IT!!!

One night stand so you thought

So here you are with the guy that swept you off of your drunken didn’t know what you were doing feet and into his abyss of nothingness of a life that has no future with a whopping zero aspiration except to keep you naked and oblivious. Mazaltov! You are in a thirty night stand. Warning: This is not a relationship. I repeat: This is not a relationship.  End it immediately. Don’t ask your friends what you should do. Don’t seek advice from co-workers. Don’t pray and ask god for divine intervention. Don’t talk to your mom who is divorced three times over. She will definitely guide you to her how “not” to succeed in a relationship course.

Abandon Expectation

So don’t expect that we want much more than that. And don’t expect that there is an “in love” so to speak. In love is all relative to how good the sex is and the anticipation of doing it again with that person. The in love part is all the other shit in between sex, shitting and eating. Don’t expect that he will understand you and what you’re feeling. Don’t expect him to be considerate and chivalrous. Don’t expect that he will do Jack Shinola for you to make you happy or happier. You have to “abandon expectation” and embrace reality. 

Men

Grooming and Fashion

Well boys, who the hell told you that you can wear those jeans with that shirt and those shoes and who told not to care about how you look and what you wear and how you smell and how you carry yourself? Oh that’s right, no one. And don’t let me forget every inch of your body. Starting with, but not limited to, your hair on your head, ears (outside and inside), eye brows, nostrils, neck (back and front), top center of your back, shoulders, arms, under arms, chest, pubic, and anywhere else that hair may grow that a woman may be offended by. So what does this mean in simple terms? It means that you have to pluck or zap your nostril hairs immediately.

Buddy girls

So I met this girl we won’t name but will be referred to from here on as Heart Dragger Man Slayer Ego Crusher. Whatever, her name was Tiffany the Tormenter.  Let’s just say we spent extended periods of time together. Talking and laughing and having wonderfully intense bonding time. The whole time I’m trying to figure out how I’m going to plunge through her pants. I didn’t though. Nothing ever happened. I spent months being a fake desperate verbal sponge, making like I cared about what she was saying, going through the motions just to figure out how I was going to weasel my way past the seven guarded gates of her vagina. Each had barbed wire and armed penis guards.

Kiss her and shut up!

Well, this is the chapter that will either make or break your chances at any kind romance leading to any kind of relationship leading to any kind of sustained passion and satisfaction. First of all, what is up with your halitosis? Your breath my friend, your exhale, the contents of your stomach, your esophagus, your gingivitis, your gum disease, your lack of dental hygiene, the thrush on your tongue!?


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